In Search of Romantic Love
At my ripe age, I have been married, divorced, and in several semi-relationships. All my experience has taught me several things…one of which is, love is defined for oneself by oneself. In my quest to delineate love outside of society’s stringent definition, here’s what I have discovered so far:
Love is about life. Finding someone you are willing to do life with—the ebbs and flows, the life and death cycle. Yeah, aesthetics are cute but if when shit hits the fan all your partner has are their looks, it won't bode well. I’m learning to be less superficial about my partners. While yes, they must be insatiably attractive [to me] and have a sexy voice [to me]; I am more interested in if they are a soft place to land, how they deal with conflict, and the deaths of life.
Are yall willing to have fun, express respect, and make each other’s lives easier? It goes without saying that as a Black woman, I need someone who is going to take things off my plate, which would free me up to then reciprocate. The problem is oftentimes [I] meet people who only desire to be another added thing. The math ain’t mathing.
Love in all forms is accessible and available AT ALL TIMES to everyone. There is nothing special one must do to earn love and anything that says otherwise is a lie.
Lead with honesty, you get more that way. Know what you want and express it. Out of the 7+ billion people on this planet, someone will give you all of your desires if you are simply brave enough to express them.
It is not about filling a love deficit. One should not look for a romantic partner to complete them. This is not to be conflated with the false notion that one must be whole before getting a romantic partner. But it is to say, one should not quest a partner to fulfill this wholeness. 1+1=3
Dating should be fun. Not stressful. Not a chore. Not something you check off your life goal list. It should be an adventure and perhaps even a fun experiment where you explore new aspects of your sensual self. Somewhere it stopped being fun and everyone got so serious. This could be to match the serious energy of the collective work we have to do and still; life is gonna have its moments of seriousness. It’s our role to bring the play.
Flow towards what feels like love and happiness. If it aint joy, you don't want it. If it ain’t love, you can't keep it. If it doesn’t set your heart on fire and encourage you to dream, it won’t last. Because what is love but dreaming up pleasures of life?
Suitability over compatibility. When I was young[er] compatibility was super important. Do we match? Are we aesthetically pleasing as a couple? Now, as I am deeper into my purpose and my path I am more intentional about someone being suitable for my life, to my power, to my being. Am I suitable to theirs? I have found quite often that the former could be true and the latter not so much. The equilibrium of suitability.
Experiencing the romance of my life with an open heart and mind has allowed me to try things and expand my traditional race-loyal ideas on love and relationships. Because at the end of the day, life gon life, and don't we all just want someone who makes things a bit more vibrant?