We Live to Slay Another Day: or how the Aquarius Full Moon almost took me out!

This Full Moon in Aquarius almost took me out. I have made many recent changes in my life and it was this full moon that had me second-guessing and questioning my sanity in making every one of them. I’ve never been a person who makes slow steady changes. It’s always rather abrupt and some may even view it as extreme. I’ve never known radicalism to be anything less. 

What is life if not a series of [calculated and] uncalculated risks? 

They don't tell you that both sets of risks come with their own mental and emotional battles to overcome. They don't tell you that half of the leap is believing in your ability to land. No matter how much your mind convinces your feet of its ability to crumble, stumble, and trip. Your heart must diligently convince your body and your mind it can fly; against all odds and evidence that presents to the contrary. 

There is this idea that to focus on negative thoughts is to exacerbate them into reality. Somehow I read that as, ‘don't acknowledge the fears, and the doubts, and the self-judgments, and quite possibly they won’t exist. What my inner child has come to know is that monsters do not go away just because you choose to only sleep with the light on. You just end up exhausted, with bags under your eyes, and a developing fear of darkness. Completely unrealistic for anyone’s choosing to journey into personal power. So this full moon in Aqua invited or rather pushed me off the ledge into the depths of Darkness Thought. Here’s what I found perusing. 

A letter from the dark halls of my mind

I'm realizing my life is much messier than maybe it should be… and maybe I make it that way. As I transition to NY I have a conversation with myself to not make another mess. To make this a place where I clean everything up. And also in this same space, I realize why I don't trust people in my life. I don’t trust them not to judge or even worse, not to use my mess against me. Honestly, I'm kinda okay with having that safe level of distance between myself and others. I get anxious when I realize others know too much;  as open as I want to be I don't and doubt I ever will be able to say I trust anyone. My thing is, I’m a Gemini and have loose lips with transparent and unfiltered thoughts. I definitely need to tighten up. I am not in a place emotionally, et. al. where I can receive friendship wholly, no matter how much I desire/deserve it. I have other things to work on. I feel bad sometimes that my daughter has me as a mother. I don’t think I am doing a very good job at it. I think I’m too selfish. She deserves better. And I try to convince myself and others that in some way my hippie & lackluster style of parenting is helping her; shaping her for her own individuality. And maybe I'm lying to myself and others. I feel very shitty. Moments like this I want to die.

Whew! There’s a reason I don't wander into this part of my mind often. It is filled with every lie, outside opinion, and weapon formed against me. I often find it difficult to make it out alive, and still even crawling on my knees I do. 

There lives a person inside of me with all these thoughts and I realize I should grow up. If I want my life to be less messy I must do the work to make it so. Maybe I needed to purge my fears to be aware of my abilities. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to ignore our fears that they end up secretly sabotaging us from the neglect. 

What I have come to learn is, our fears are worth acknowledging just as much as our joys and our dreams. The power lies in our ability to choose how we acknowledge them. We don’t always have to succumb to them. We can fight to have them reveal themselves fully as a means of conquering them so we may progress. And I feel like that is was this purge was about. My way of slaying my own demons. What I have also learned is, to not believe in myself is to not believe in my ancestors and they feel gravely insulted by that.

THE MORNING AFTER

After this internal battle, I took a very cleansing bath. I cleansed myself of all the verbal, mental, and emotional gashes I acquired. I cleansed myself f everything I left on the battlefield. I had that harsh talk with myself in the softest of voices with grace. I cried, I laughed, I rejoiced for how I did not die and after it all I feel better.