the Greater the Risk, the Greater the Reward

So my exhibition came together and opened with great attendance! It felt very good to be supported and recognized for all the intention and detail that went into it. It really opened my eyes up to the possibilities of what I am capable of when I push beyond the doubt. I am extremely proud of seeing the idea all the way through. After I closed I felt somber about having to go back to Houston. I had outgrown this space and more importantly, I was not creatively connected to that community as I am with the community in New York. So I decided to stay. 

I know it appears completely foolish to move to one of the most expensive cities in America with little to no security. For some reason, I deeply believed I was my own sense of security. When the decision was finally made and I started looking for a job and a place, I felt and still feel very excited about it. There is no fear and so much room for growth here. A part of me being able to take large leaps like this is the fact that I have taken the time to deeply understand, know, and love who I am in this moment. I am aware of my strengths and improvement areas and I play to them. 

Strength: You can put me anywhere, in the world and I will figure it out. Always. I will sustain myself. 

Improvement Area: I tend to be inflexible about doing labor that doesn’t satisfy me on some level. When in situations where one should be more flexible with their standards, I do not waiver. 

Knowing yourself and being open to learning who you will discover, allows you the freedom and confidence to take great risks and reap the rewards of them. It felt really good that my daughter completely supported my decision, and was in fact excited about being about to come visit New York. And here I am figuring things out in a new city and while I have the community I have built professionally over the years; which has been a huge help, it is a completely different scenario deciding to live in New York. I have been giving myself plenty of time to think and back out and anytime I think about staying in Houston, my soul is completely dissatisfied and my body is merely craving and desiring the comfort. So much is cultivated out of the ebbs and flows of discomfort, and that is what I am leaning into. 

We all have a responsibility in our life to make decisions and take chances that force us to see just how far we can expand. Too many of us are afraid of the infiniteness of our being. I ask, at what point will you crawl from behind your shadow and embrace your light? Let it guide you in as many directions as it will and trust it. I wish I could tell you I have mastered this but I too am learning and every time I take a chance on myself, I level up. 

How much do you believe in your ability to rise up always? 

I throw myself in the deep end and teach myself to swim

I remember lessons I learned when I was younger 

On how to breathe through suffocation and constraint 

It’s just me and the water

I convince it not to kill me 

I will not become a dead thing in its water 

It tells me, it does not barter 

But will teach me its ways 

How to move like currents 

Unafraid of my own force 

And I listen 

Because there is nowhere else for me to go 

No place that can hold all of me 

And still, 

invite me to become infinite 

I exhale and remember I can 

breathe out  

Emotionally Unraveling Rant: 

I’m going to be honest, it is extremely hard not to feel like I’m abandoning my kid. It’s hard not to feel guilty. I get angry because men are never emotionally conflicted about leaving and seeking sustainability. Why must we live in a world that makes us [Black women] feel guilty for desiring and pursuing our purpose, our happiness? All I can do is remain focused on the bigger picture and hope that in the end, it will all make sense. That I won’t be looked at as a selfish monster and still I do not know if that would ease my aching heart. 

There mustn’t be a crime 

Against one pursuing their own desires

Those that do not seek to harm others 

No matter how much I secretly loathe the opinions of others

That I am afraid I may believe or think about myself

I cannot waiver on this decision 

I must jump and if I fall I fall and 

If I fly 

I soar 

So I go home to pack up my things and drive back to New York. I think I’m prepared for a drive this long but I am not sure. There are many nights I woke up in the car, my mother behind the wheel and us moving away from our problems. And this isn’t that. I am not running from my problems. I have solved them and bask in the sunlight of solutions and success. And still, I am unprepared for this new journey. All this confidence and fearlessness shed no allusion.

I’ve been told too many times to count that Brooklyn looks good on me. I try this city on like a pair of jeans I’m sure will be too small because who makes jeans for thighs like mine but somehow they hug all my potty-mouthed flaws and brash identity.

More thoughts to come…